Sunday, August 14, 2011

The 2nd Douchiest College in America (Part 1)

I have been saying for years that State College is home to the biggest, douchiest, most asshole-iest dickweeds to have ever stained a college campus, and recently the men's magazine GQ has finally validated me. In their most recent issue they composed a list of the Top Douchiest Colleges in America and my dear old alma mater Penn State came in at a well deserved #2.

"Why is Penn State so douchey?" one may ask his or her self. (We must assume that this person does not live in State College, because any Townie who heard this statistic has responded unfailingly with "Wow, we weren't #1? Good for us!")

Well, inquisitive outsider, you have come to the right blog post, because I just happen to have a comprehensive list of reasons why Penn State is a total douche casserole. Here is the first reason:

1. BLATANT, CRUSHING MISOGYNY

Penn State is a place where a bro can be a bro - enjoy the game! drink the night away! prowl for hotties! But women are little more than decorative blow job machines. Women aren't allowed to walk down the street unless they are already accompanied by a Bro Herd. If a Lady Student chooses to walk somewhere alone, she has to listen to drunk bros hanging out of their balconies/frat house porches screaming LOOK AT THOSE TITTIES HAHA or DAMN BITCH COME PARTY WITH US. If she indeed decides to "come party" with them, she spends the entire night fetching drinks, getting groped and slobbered on, being forced to make out with the other girls, and finally perform blowjobs on a variety of bros. If she says no, she is immediately cussed out as a stuck up bitch and a tease. If she says yes, she becomes an easy slut who will "spread her legs" for anyone. If she chooses not to "party with them" at all and instead keep walking down the street trying to ignore them, they get angry and scream YOU JUST GONNA WALK AWAY? YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME? GOOD I WOULD NEVER FUCK YOU ANYWAY like it's such a devastating loss for her to sacrifice the opportunity to get dry humped by some blacked out, barely attractive business major from Philly who's just going to jizz in his pants after four minutes anyway.

I once went to a frat party where one of the brothers insisted I "flash" him. I said no, which was apparently an unacceptable answer, because then he was up in my face the ENTIRE night, telling me over and over again I had to flash him. He even got his other brothers in on the haranguing. They wouldn't even let me leave the room until I agreed to do it. And when I still said no they were UTTERLY SHOCKED. How dare I reject this ultimate gift of Male Attention (TM)? How dare I bite the hand that has, in a gesture of utmost benevolence and generosity, bestowed me with this glorious title of "hot?"

And the worst part is, the worst part isn't even the guys. It's the girls. I know TONS of girls at PSU who would read this post and be envious as shit. A random stranger liked your titties? And you're complaining? Because that's how deep-seeded the misogyny is. Half of it is just self imposed. They want to be sex objects - they're afraid to be real people because it might not mesh with what Penn Staters are supposed to be. They're sucked into this whole fake sterile youth culture that the Baby Boomers handed to us. (More on this later.) No girl has to wear mini skirts, crop tops, and high heels to a bar in the middle of January to get laid. I know this based on personal field research. But they do it anyway, because they're so terrified of upsetting the bros that they'd rather get frost bite than wear something that restricts a PSU guy's innate right to cleavage.

You would think this meant that women were sexually liberated at PSU. I mean, they're expected to present themselves as sexual and promiscuous at all times, so that must mean that they're at least permitted to actually be sexual and promiscuous at all times. Oh, dear reader. You have so much to learn.

Women who wear low rise jeans with visible thongs are sexy and modern! Women who engage in actual sex with multiple partners are crazy sluts! Women who latch onto to a single boyfriend for the entire four years and have sex regularly are good old down home girls! Women who have sex infrequently and with casual friends are crazy sluts! Doesn't make sense? It doesn't have to! It's Penn State!

I realize that these issues aren't exclusive to PSU, nor were they originally created at PSU. Street harassment, slut shaming, female "frienamies/queen bees," The Purity Myth - these are all classic misogyny hits. However, the manner in which these double standards have manifested and flourished at PSU is a direct result of the environment. People act like PSU is this liberal, progressive haven where kids from all over can be themselves and grow as people in the middle of Pennsylvania, and it totally isn't. It's as shitty and stupid as every other small town in Centre County. And I applaud GQ for recognizing this.

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